Coping With Loss
When we lose someone we love, we never realize how much of an impact this has on us. A loved one's death is one of the cruelest blows in life. Yet death is a normal part of everyone's life and eventually accepting (not forgetting) the loss is an essential goal. 

What Are The Issues?
Grief is the healing process people go through after suffering a loss. Although we normally think of loss as the death of someone close to us, life situations such as divorce or losing a job can also bring about grief.

Sometimes it is difficult to accept the strong emotions associated with grief, such as anger and depression, or other strong feelings. 

How upset one feels will depend on the relationship with the person who is gone. Grief and a sense of loss will always be there. After the death, people often feel numb, as if a bombshell has been dropped, they are unable to make decisions, or are confused and forgetful during conversations. 

After several weeks, people try to return to normal routines. Some people move around as if they are anesthetized, trying to balance work and personal life.

All of these feelings, and more, are common and normal. How long one feels them and how long it takes to find answers is up to the individual. Accepting the loss and living through the grief process takes time and work.

Why Is This Important?
If you are someone unable to go through the grieving process, the experience of the loss is apt to be more painful. In fact, there is evidence that unexpressed grief can lead to physical illness. Some of the symptoms may be nausea, headaches, upset stomachs, and difficulty sleeping.

You may think life will never be the same. It is common to also start to feel guilt. Sometimes people feel overwhelmed and cannot cope even with routine things.

Consider: Different Kinds of Loss
Research has found that sudden, tragic deaths and the death of a young person are often hardest to accept. When a child dies parents often feel they cannot go on, and would rather escape the pain. Research shows that siblings are also deeply affected.

The death of one's spouse/partner is devastating because one is losing one's best friend, roommate, lover and possibly the parent of one's children. Older adults experience so much loss that sadness and depression can become an overriding factor in their lives.

The workplace is affected by death, whether it is the death of a co-worker or the loved one of a co-worker. Experience proves that loss profoundly affects employees and their ability to function in the workplace. 

Recommendations:**
Regardless of circumstances surrounding the death, sudden and traumatic, or a long, painful illness we have to allow ourselves to experience our reactions.

• Respect your own healing pace: As individuals we all grieve differently and at a different pace. Often we want grief work to be completed quickly. However, we must allow ourselves the time to grieve.
• Take time to express your feelings: Grief generally carries with it deep and intense feelings of sadness, anger, fear, and guilt. Give your feelings boundaries. With the help of others, find a place to express feelings safely and constructively.
• Use actions as well as words: To express grief, write a letter, visit the gravesite, join a group. Rituals such as religious ceremony or a memorial service can also be helpful ways to say good-bye.
• Share your sorrow with someone: A non-judgmental listener is one of the greatest helps you can have.
• Realize that a loss changes you: Doing your grief work does not mean you will never again miss the person or relationship you have lost. You may feel more lonely on birthdays, anniversaries or holidays. Plan ahead for these occasions and try to be with people who care about you.

Taking Control
If you do find yourself feeling guilty, having difficulty concentrating, sleeping or eating, feeling empty, or restless, seek professional assistance. There is a possibility that if you have not grieved, years later your life can be out of control and you will need to go back and face the loss of the loved one. While it is difficult to cope with loss, it is possible to get through loss in a healthy way.

For additional information and resources call:
Employee Assistance Program
(914) 423-3277 or 1 (800) 794-EAPS
984 N. Broadway - LL05
Yonkers, New York 10701


**Fischer, Kathleen, "When Grief Won't Go Away", Abbey Press, 1991

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*Participating Organizations: Abbott House, Leake & Watts Services, Richmond Children's Center, The Children's Village